It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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