I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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