Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
