i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
