the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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