wanna go halves on a baby?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
