Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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