and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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