Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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