she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
