we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
