dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
