Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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