Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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