girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
