I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
