My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
