If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
