why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
