Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
