I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
