R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Randomize
