I want to walk on stilts...naked
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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