naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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