hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
