Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
