Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
