I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
