Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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