For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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