Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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