I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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