My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
