Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We got so high we made milksteak
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
