I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
