took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
