If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
