I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
