my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
