Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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