Is it normal to miss your booty call?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
