a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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