shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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