seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
