I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Two words: blizzard sex
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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