Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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