Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
