So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
