Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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