I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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