sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she looked like the before picture.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
