....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
