if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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