mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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