so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
