Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
