I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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