Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Holy sore nipples Batman
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
