dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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